Eternal*love

2:58PM - Point? Or pointless?

So it's been a year and 9 months since I've written anything in livejournal, for the very fact that I don't know if there is anyone still out there that reads it. I remember even, showing Jamie my last post I had made to get his input on it, and that was before I moved away to Calgary. I'm not even sure if anyone will read this but it's just as much or more for me than anyone else anyways. I feel like there's so much that has happened i don't even know where to start. I miss what I had, all of my friends, I miss the relationships I had. I remember coming back from calgary to visit and me and Andy and Aaron and Nicole all got soo drunk on jagerbombs and beer, chasing the codiene with jagerbombs haha that was fun. What has happened to that? I still love them and remember it as if it was yesterday, but am more than saddened to say that Andy won't even acknolege that I'm alive let alone consider me a friend. I remember what a wreck I was at shambhala the year before and how thankful I was that Andy was there for me and listened to me go on and on for a long time when he could have been off having a better time somewhere else. I don't know what I would have done without him there, I would have felt truely alone, especially after spending my first 2 shambhalas with someone all the time. He knew how hurt I was and was there for me as much as any friend could be and I'll never forget that, and I'll always be thankful I got to have him as my friend for as long as I did. Just being at shambhala that year brought me as much pain as it did joy. But I got through it and slowely, started to recover from the deep dark pit I had fallen into. I was sure that things could never get better, that this was the end, I didn't know how to keep going on day after day, but I did, and when I was in calgary, with the help of Miranda there listening to me go on and on I don't know how I would have made it through that year. I look back on it and it scares me to know where I was, the hopelessness I endured. It was the reason for my tattoo, faith. Because without faith I would have had no reason to go on, if I didn't truely believe with all my heart and soul that god would provide a way for things to get better, I would not be where I am now. I had to believe. Even though every day I couldn't see how things would get better, I had to tell myself that it will, have faith and it will. And that faith, got me through every day, until slowely I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I knew that things would get better. And as I started to change from just telling myself things will get better to believing it, things slowely started to look up. I got a good job in a high end salon right in the center of the city, just 2 train stops from my house, I got a membership to a gym and found my love for yoga. I had never actually tried it before but had always wanted to. I got into classes for free with my gym membership and started going almost every day, and I found my peace for those hours in my days. Regulated breathing and proper stretching is truely one of the most healing excersises I had ever found. It cleared my head and made me feel better than I had in so long. Once I started going regularly and eating healthy, I decided it was time to face my next battle, to stop smoking everything. It was hard and I still wonder how I did it. I guess I didn't have everyone around that smokes, which in turn makes me want to smoke. And that was, basically, my reason for leaving. Not just the smoking, the lifestyle I had been living for however many years previously. I thought, this is my chance to go, to change and leave all this pain and struggling I had found myself in and start anew, where no one knows how ive lived. But alas, it's not the place that changes you, you can't just run away from everything and expect to find yourself a whole new person. So, it followed me there. The hurt pain anguish sorrow you name it, was just brought into another place. In fact, it was worse. Instead of living this dangrous lifestyle back home with everyone you care about, your found alone, and with no knowledge of any other way to live then the way you've been living however many years. So quickly and surely, I found myself falling into the same, if not worse crowds. But, isn't it what I wanted? What I was looking for? If not then how did it so easily find me? The friends, the lifestyle, all creating a world I could live numbly in, and that was in fact what I was looking for. Something, anything to make the world I lived in less painful. And it worked, temporarily. I could go out, party, and for moments in time forget what it was I left behind. But in the dark quarters of the house I slept, I was haunted by the hollowness and dreams that never seamed to stop reminding me of who I was, where I had come from. The people I left behind wouldn't recognize me here, but do I even recognize myself? That question led to more feelings I had worked to numb, and therefore led me to do more of anything I could to make everything seem better, for the time. What I had set out to accomplish was accomplished. These people didn't know the old me, I was a whole new me, but it wasn't the me I had intended to be while invisioning in my head what life in Calgary would be like before I left. This saddens me, more now then while I was there, because even though it all sounds so dark and terrible life has a way of making it seem normal at the time. And it did seem normal. I never thought to change how I was living because then what would I do? Accept the crazyness for what it was? Change? That was the scariest thought of all. The pit you dig yourself is harder to climb out of the longer you dig, and I was already down deep before I had gotten to Calgary. Nearing the end of my stay in Calgary I had almost found enough love for myself to try to change. I had hitten rock bottem, or what I thought was rock bottem. Only the few friends I had in kelowna knew the truth on how far I had fallen. I didn't want to be numb anymore, I wanted to feel, to feel what happiness felt like what real joy and love could bring. But it's true what they say, you can't love until you learn to love yourself. That was my biggest struggle. I had been so damaged I truely felt there was nothing left but an empty shell, and what it took just to learn these simple things no one should have to go through. But I put myself there and I was determined to pull myself out. It had been 18 days without smoke but still other substances were used, which I fought hard on the inside to justify, when I had my accident. Halloween, flames central bar, I fell on the way to the bathroom and ended up dislocating all the bones in my foot and ankle and tearing all the ligaments in my foot. Not k owing the severity of what had happened, I went back downstairs and sat down for when finger 11 played. I managed to limp to a cab that brought me home where I used a stick as leverage to get me inside. I had had a few drinks at this time which I'm sure helped the pain. When I got to my room and took off my sock I called my mom to tell her something was sticking out the side of my foot. She told me to call the ambulance, I didn't, until the next morning. That day was such a blur, in the hospital all day I had already had my flight arranged back to kelowna for that night. Unable to walk, drugged out of my mind and on crutches, my roomate helped pack my suitcase while we both sobbed at the suddeness of it all, there I was, about to go home, while the night before I would have never thought I would be going back to kelowna, I was planning my months ahead in Calgary. And while it was all so sudden I felt a calm feeling about going home, seeing my parents, my friends that were not expecting me back at all. Miranda cabbed it with me to the airport, both of us a bit of a wreck and pushed me in a wheelchair through customs, where we had a drink and reminisced all the times we shared, she helped me find myself, and I owe her a world of gratitude for everything she did for me. I'll never forget the good times I got to share with her, for it wasn't only dark times, for there was always those days the skies shone blue, and those days were like revalations to me, that there is always a blue sky under the dark clouds. When our drinks were done, we gave our last goodbye hugs and for some reason, we both knew I wasn't coming back.

Current mood: hopeful

9:58PM

Everything we encounter appears to us as real, as true being.  But
we soon notice that its reality is only transitory.  It was, but now
it is no more.  Nonbeing has swallowed it, so to speak.  Or we notice
that it is different from what it seemed to be, and we distinguish between
its surface and its deeper, more real levels.  But soon these levels also prove
to be surface, and we try to penetrate into still deeper levels, toward the
ultimate reality of a thing.   No thing, however, is isolated from all other things.
And, the deeper the levels into which we can enter, the less possible it is to
to consider them in separation from each other and from the whole of reality.  Yet,
if we enter the levels of personal existence which have been rediscovered by
depth psychology, we encounter the past, the ancestors, the collective
unconscious, the living substance in which all living beings participate.  In our
search for the "really real" we are driven from one level to another to a point
where we cannot speak of level any more, where we must ask for that which
is the ground of all levels, giving them their structure and their power of being.
The search for ultimate reality beyond everything that seems to be real is the search
for being-itself, for the power of being in everything that is.  It is the ontological
question, the root question of every philosophy 


Paul Tillich

4:56PM

So livejournal is basically dead. Something so much more intellectual than facebook. You needed to create something well enough written that someone else actually wants to take their own time to stop what they are doing in their lives to read. Facebook just does it all for you, no thought needed, just basic stupidity and knowledge on how to click on everything and anything you want. Maybe leave a few basic words on someone's page, maybe actually take some time and send a message that involves possibly more than one sentence, but probably not. Lets just Admire people's pictures and the stupid little quotes and information we so blindly place at the snap of a finger.
Honestly, who cares what fucking movies we like to watch, or what music we listen to. Where is the meaning? Where is the thought put behind it? The purpose? The God Damn Meaning Of It All.
Or was there no meaning in the first place? Was that the point of it all? We succumbed to the majority, we gave in to what we all so hated very much, the thoughtless post and reply, the unneeded little games and the mind numbingly pointless add on's to make our page 'interesting'.
Since facebook I have not been able to know what's going on in my friends lives, maybe I can see you're guy's status's and know how bored you are or if you're out or about, but I feel like I'm losing out.
Why is everyone so amused by the stupid little sayings on their page like, are you a ninja? Who thinks this person is hot? What is your stripper name?
Oh, and that's just so everyone can know how much of a slut you really must want to be seen as. It's sad and degrading and girls seem to like being seen as such, in these times anyways.
And no, don't be offended if you have a stripper name on facebook..obviously it's what floats your boat. So please, don't let my perception of you bring down your self worth. If there was any worth left to begin with.
At the end of it all, we're losing. We're losing out on reality, on what is so valued in our lives; our friendships and the understanding of the lives we all lead. We spend so much time glued to the computer anyways, we might as well be getting something out of it that our brains can appreciate and Not deteriorate over. Msn is bad enough, chopped sentences and bad grammer causes us to lose so much of what we are really trying to say. Because what is it that we are really trying to say? It's not just words, it's what's behind the words, it's the reason why those words were there to begin with. The meaning that those words are supposed to put across and the response those words are looking to achieve.
Is it only me? Am I the only one who sees past the surface? Am I the only one who feels frustrated when I can't even understand what someone is really trying to say just because I only see the words that are typed?
This deprives me of the ability to understand or comprehend the true meaning behind it all. There are so many questions I am always left with. It seems to be a unsatisfying need for the intellectual part of the human language we all seem to disregard on a daily basis. And it doesn't just stop at the internet, at the way people talk on msn, or the way people write when they post or send messages to each other. It actually causes them to not be able to comprehend how to properly use the english language in a way that provides them with the ability to not only speak the words, but create a whole other way of communicating which is far beyond the words that come out of your mouth. The part of your brain that Needs to be exercised, to be stretched to be able to achieve what we were put here to have, understanding. Understanding is something that comes when you seek what you don't understand. When are we ever put in a place where we actually need to search for the answers, where we Want to search for the answers. We aren't. Everything we could possibly want can be answered with a snap of a finger, or be posted with a five worded fragment of a sentence.
The reality is that our minds are meant to be brought to a place where we are able to perceive words which aren't even there. Words that go so much deeper than what we just see on the outside. Words that we hear, which were never even spoken, but are still there. Those words are a part of your soul, the meaning behind the obvious.
Those words are the words we are choosing to kill, choosing to simplify, to hinder, and eventually to forget about altogether.
Please, if you understand, or even have a slight idea as to what I am talking about, think about it. Make the decision. Are you choosing to lose out on what we need to understand our being? It goes a lot farther than the words, and all it takes is the motivation to seek what is not known, and the desire to have knowledge of our spirit, not just our mind.

Current mood: complacent

7:37PM

So this summer is going by pretty damn fast. For the amount of fucking winter we have to put up with I don't even know if it's worth it. It's definitaly not worth it for the type of summer we've been having. Grey, ugly, non tannable weather. The one summer I don't work day shifts and it's the only summer that sucks for tanning. Anyways, I am enjoying the not having to wake up part of the summer. Every other summer I've worked day shifts and it's sucked because you can't stay up late and not have to worry about waking up the next morning. But I do end up sleeping too much. Normally, when I'm in school I average 4-6 hours of sleep. Now I've been getting up to 10!? It's just weird. I can't believe Shambhala is coming up so fast. Just reading my livejournal it feels like just yesterday I was so stoked getting ready for shambhala. Now it just seems sureal. I guess it felt that way last year too though. Hopefully Aaron and Nicole can make it, I wouldn't know what to do without Aaron's attempts at extracting codiene while high at shambhala. Haha. I sometimes feel I'm not taking as much advantage of my young life as I should, sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on so much, but then I realize, well I have no car. Yes. That's my excuse. 
So works going well, I enjoy giving my boss gramar lessons. It bothers me a lot when people have improper grammer. Well I guess it only really bothers me when it's really bad. I actually feel intelligent when I'm the only one working that knows english. 
So my sister is fucking pyschotic. Anyone that knows her can agree with me, and she is only getting more pyscho as time goes by. I hope one day she just leaves the country. That would be nice. 
I am feeling a lot better, after being sick for a period of time. I hope no one caught it from me. 
Ps. If you're just randomly sick, no you can not blame it on me.
So I remember at one point a bunch of us had an idea about a houseboat? I wonder when anyone will actually start to follow through with that notion.
Sometime in life?\
Hopefully. 
Anyways I'm going to go find something to do instead of ranting about mindless notions.

Current mood: cheerful

Current music: Nirvana - Smells like teen spirit

11:16PM

and yet Another Friday night spent all alone falling asleep to some tv show.....

Current mood: sad

Current music: Intervention Tv Show

10:16PM - Argh.

Current mood: tired

Current music: TV

4:11PM

Current mood: hopeful

Current music: Angels With Dirty Faces - Sum 41

12:49PM - Ok ok it's my turn...

Current mood: sore

Current music: Enter the sandman - metallica

8:04PM

So wow I just realized how long it's been since i've written.
Life's sure changed in the past little while. I've moved back home, and I got a job. Shocking I know. I'm currently waitressing..again..and I like working again. It's nice being able to aford things. My blonde hair issue for example. That one thing I can't physically change. Even though I've thought many times that maybe I could become famous for being able to create a surgery that changes the pigment your hair follicles create...But then I realized i'm not mentally advanced enough to come up with anything that mind blowing. So I guess I'll have to live with my disgusting fast growing blonde hair.
Now, to stop ranting.
Now that I think about it. That's all I really do. So how do I stop? I guess that's a retorical question. Considering all I could really do is stop talking in general. And I'm sure Nobody wants that. Hah. 
So April 1'st was Jamie and my 1 year anniversary. Wow it seems like just yesterday we were all partying at Jesse's on those long lost summer days? Anyone remember? Or recall, I guess would be a better word. Since I don't know who could clearly remember those Toga parties or any other for that matter. 
Time has just gone by so fast. I don't know where the time goes. Every night goes by, seemingly faster and faster, and I still can never seem to fit everything I would like to do in my days. To see everyone as much as I'd like. Even Jamie and me don't get to spend as much time together anymore.  And who knows where everyone is these days...Not me, that's for sure. I wish life wasn't so hectic. It just seems when I used to smoke pot and drink there was all the time in the world to do just that. No responsibility whatsoever. But I was never really happy being so unhealthy. I just never really cared about my health or my well being at all I suppose.
I hope everyone gets together sometime soon. And I don't mean at some party. There isn't really any quality time spent just getting to talk and replenish friendships. It just seems like everyone is so distracted these days. I would like to say I don't know why, but I don't know if that would be completely true.

I guess life is always changing, no matter what we try and do to try and stop it.

Oh well, change is a good thing..right?

Current mood: tired

Current music: Teenage Wasteland - The Who

8:33AM

Wow I have to say, what a great way to end the year!
This past week and a half has been so great, it's unbelievable.
I took a minute to think about my last christmas, and I've come to a realization.
Of what Christmas is.
It's time. Time with the one's you love the most.
I've never been so happy on Christmas to this day, Yet this year was different, and I thank Jamie for that.
I've realized, Christmas isn't a holiday, a time, a religion, it's a feeling.
A feeling of complete understanding of love and family and the sharing of hope.
When you find that feeling, Christmas will finally seem to come together like a puzzle game that had been strewn everywhere.

And What an Amazing way to start the New Year!!
That party was fun, with a few exceptions to some fucking stupid people.
I can't believe it, there were more fireworks!! And only me Jamie and Andy got to see them.
I love fireworks, and what a fucking way to go into Jamie and my 9th aniversary.
That's right, our 9th month aniversary, on New Years.
It's so awesome,
On my birthday, 2 days after our 2nd month aniversary, there were fireworks.
On Canada day, our third month aniversary, there was fireworks.
that's all I think for fireworks.

Ahh what a great year and What a Great Year To Come!


Happy New Years Everyone

and P.S.  Thank you Bee for the most amazing mushroom.

Current mood: Unbelievablyundescribablyloved

Current music: Welcome to the Black Parade - My Chemical Romance

8:30AM - I love you Jamie<3

Current mood: Indescribably Loved

Current music: But Home is Nowhere.

9:32AM - Winter Time

Current mood: restless

Current music: Clove Smoke Catharsis - AFI

8:52PM

Saw 3 definitely wins the award for the most gory movie I have ever seen in my entire life.
I love horror movies and am almost Always dissapointed by the amount of gore in them.
However, gore is only really good if followed by an actual story line and good graphics, which these movies had.
I had high expectations for this movie.
It has impressed, if not beaten my expectations for a great movie.

I highly recommend this movie to anyone with a strong stomache and a twisted mind.
(P.s. Try to avoid seeing this movie hung-over, even I almost puked a couple times.)

Current mood: exhausted

8:27AM

My hair is going Dark.

Current mood: cheerful

Current music: Bob Marley

2:08PM - Life

So I just realized how long it's been since I've posted a journal entry. It's almost November...where did the time go? The minutes that blended into hours that blended into days, into weeks and then months, are all memories to treasure. If only I could remember them all. I have been searching for a new job, which I think I have found, thanks to Sherrie, hopefully it goes well. My house is up for sale now, the renovations are finished and the search for a new place begins. Hopefully. Life on the westside will soon be in the past, which saddens me. When did everything change so much? How does someone's life change so drastically without even being noticed? I wonder that sometimes. Most of the time, you don't even take a minute out of your day to see and realize the things that are changing, some things arn't so good, but lots of things are, life changes, and expands, with knowledge and maturity ever growing. I can definitaly say in this past year, I have learned more about myself than ever before. I am not saying I have the answers to life. Not yet. But maybe, just luckily, I'll get there. Maybe we all will. Maybe that will be the day everyone accepts eachother.
School is going well. I really enjoy my class, it passes the day by quickly. The people I met are some of the only people in this entire high school that I can stand. It's really great to have a class with girls that share common intrests. I'm not saying I like everyone, hell I barely like any of them, just a couple of the girls in grade 12. Who thought I could ever work hard in school? Not me, that's for sure.
Well, there is a lot more to say, but I'm not going to. I doubt anyone is even going to read this. Maybe Jamie. I do it more for myself than for other people anyways. And it's better that way.
I really would like to get together with some people and drink. It's well needed.

8:43AM - Something found

Miranda, I found your pipe the other day, I guess it got stashed one day and no one remembered where. Well I'll need to get it to you sometime but I would have to clean it to send it on a bus.
I hope you read this sometime soon

Current mood: groggy

Current music: AFI - The Leaving Song

3:11PM - Shambhala

CareBear Dancing at Shambhala!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWC4g3NqR48

Current mood: amused

Current music: Korn - Here To Stay

5:35AM - Damnit

Fuck i'm never gunna get those pictures on here...
And i'll never get back on my computer as long as Bill's here...

Current mood: irritated

Current music: Bad Religion & Sublime - We're only gunna die

9:08PM - Snakes on Crack

That snakes on a plane movie
what a movie
I don't even know what to say about it.

Current mood: indifferent

Current music: Pink Floyd - Have a cigar

10:00AM - Change

It's a weird feeling, change.
I never really thought about how different your life can become in such a short period of time.
Going through saved articles, packing my house yesterday really made me realize this.
Just 6 months ago, my family was a family, fights were frequent, but we all still stuck together.
I have always thought that life would be easier without my mom.
She's been the one stopping me from doing all the things I want to do.
I am free now, I am happy and loved and I know that.
I can feel it all the time.
But what about those overpowering feelings of sadness, not always my own, but others.
I don't know why it happens to me
But when someone I love feels hurt, or sad, or angry, I feel it too.
It hurts sometimes, seeing the way my parents are hurting eachother,
Seeing the way my sister hurts them both.
I thought this would all be for the better?
The lying, the backstabbing and the anger which they all share, it's bullshit.
Here I am, looking at pictures of a real family that used to exsist,
crumbling them up in my hand and throwing them away with the rest of the trash.
The letters, the cards, anything with remrents that a family once exsisted
Now gone, to be forgotten with the rest of my life.
It's all turning into a distant memory,
The laughs, the smiles, the innocence that life once carried,
years back.
Is this life?
If it is, then it starts now.

Current mood: listless

Current music: Lynard Synard - Free Bird